Do I fix the friendship or walk away?
Friendships at university can shape who you become, so it is worth putting in the effort to protect the ones that help you grow.
The the people who walk home with you after late seminars, who calm your nerves before a presentation, and who make sure you get home safe after a night out. Finding friends at university can completely change your experience, but even the strongest friendships can wobble. Life gets busy, deadlines pile up, and small misunderstandings can snowball until everything feels a bit wrong.
The decision to make or break a friendship isn’t always easy. Recognising the different between a friendship that needs some attention and something toxic is difficult. Not sure where to start? Here are three things to pay attention to, along with what you can do in each situation.
1. A good friendship feels safe.
A healthy friendship gives you space to be your real self. You don’t have to pretend you are fine when you are not, your friend can show up tired, stressed, excited or confused and still feel accepted. When that sense of safety starts to fade, it is usually the first sign that something needs attention.
Maybe you start overthinking your messages, feel judged, or feel like you have to act a certain way to keep the peace. These feelings are worth noticing. They do not always mean the friendship is ending, but they do mean it is time to check in.
What you can do:
Start the conversation gently. Try something like: “I have been feeling a bit off between us lately. Are we okay?”
This keeps the focus on how you feel rather than accusing them of anything. Most people respond with honesty and relief.
When to walk away:
If you never feel safe being yourself, or if your friend regularly makes you feel small, that is not something you can fix alone. Constantly being made to feel small or anxious around someone all the time is a sign the friendship has become unhealthy and it might be time to step back.
2. A good friendship feels fair.
Real relationships can’t always be a perfect 50/50 split, but it should feel like both of you value the other person. Even when you’re both busy with exams, work, and uni life, you don’t doubt that your friend still has time for you.
When things start slipping, imbalance is often the first clue. You might feel that you’re always the one reaching out, that they vent constantly but never ask how you are, or you realise you have been distant.
What you can do:
Reset the rhythm. You could say: “I’ve got a lot of my mind. Can we have a big chat?”
If you have been the one who drifted, be honest: “Sorry if I have seemed far away. I have had a lot on.”
A well-intentioned, honest conversation can shift the whole dynamic.
When to walk away:
If communication isn’t helping and the imbalance becomes a long-term pattern where you are always giving and rarely receiving, it may be time to step back. Constant one‑sidedness can be draining, even if it doesn’t come from a bad place.
3. Good friends help you grow.
A healthy friendship supports your growth rather than holding you in place. Good friends want to see you try new things, meet new people and explore what uni has to offer. They cheer you on when you join a new society, apply for a role you are nervous about, or actually start making friends on your course. They might not always share your interests, but they respect your curiosity and want you to feel confident branching out.
When a friendship starts to go wrong, this is often where the tension shows. Maybe they make you feel guilty for joining a society without them. Maybe they act annoyed when you spend time with other people, or they joke about you “changing” in a way that does not feel like a joke.
What you can do:
It’s good to have empathy for the people we love, and a friend trying something new or spending time with other people can lead to feelings of jealousy or anxiety that are genuine!
This is where good communication comes in. Be honest about what you need. You could say: “I am excited to try this new thing, I know it’s not your favourite, shall we catch up soon?”
When to walk away:
If a friend repeatedly discourages you from trying new things, isolates you from others or makes you feel guilty for having interests outside the friendship, that is a sign of something unhealthy. Good friends do not limit your world. They help you grow into it. If someone cannot handle your growth without making you feel rubbish, stepping back may be the healthiest choice you can make.
Friendships at university can shape who you become, so it is worth putting in the effort to protect the ones that help you grow. Checking in early, communicating honestly and giving each other space to try new things can keep a good friendship strong long before it reaches breaking point. Walking away from a friendship that has turned unhealthy is not dramatic, it’s a way of making room for the people who genuinely want to see you thrive.
